Thoughts for the Day

"Weed doesn't lead to other drugs, it leads to Doritos."- George Carlin (I think, but I can't find attribution).
So here are some of my own things weed leads to.

Weed leads to...
Tranquility
Inner Peace
Fun
Amusement (at the simple things in life)
Mario Kart

"Welcome to Mario Kart" -Mario (This time I'm sure).

Cual es la fruta la mas comica?
La Naranjajaja!

Bet you didn't know I know some Spanish, did you?

Today on the BBC News website, a respected and usually fairly proper, network i saw the phrase "You can only poke the bear so many times before he kills you." Pithy.

OK, I need to go eat cake now. Happy Days!

Animals

Approximate size of an African Male Elephant: 24,000 pounds.
Average weight of an U.S. Male: 189.8 pounds

If that human is majorly high after a quarter (at most) or about 7.1 grams for anyone using metric.
how much weed would the elephant have to smoke to achieve the same level of highness as the human.

Answer: Trick question! Elephants EAT their weed. Ever seen an elephant holding a joint? I can't find one, and I looked on Google! How would an elephant hold a joint?

If anyone is at all interested in the math (disclaimer, I don't vouch for the correctness of my math right now), if all other factors are held constant, 31.6 oz, or 895.5 grams.
That's a lot of brownies.

Foods You Should Be Able to Have Delivered

#1.  McDonalds should deliver. $15 or $20 minimum order. Tip the delivery guy. I mean, it's more food for the price of pizzas.

Haven't you ever wanted a bunch of food like this, for you and three or four friends?








#2. Cupcakes. I know, it sounds weird, but cupcakes are GREAT at 2 a.m. But a pastry store that did 24-hour delivery in some areas (big college towns) would be a huge moneymaker. AND really awesome!

One cupcake, Two cupcake,
Three cupcake, four.
Once there were six,
Now there are no more.





#3. Crabs. Now this one is a personal thought. I'm not 100% sure on this one. It seems like eating crabs well into the night and talking high would be fun.

Yummy at any hour!







#4 Baking Supplies. Now if you ever want to bake your own treats of any sort when baked yourself, you need flour, sugar, yadda yadda yadda. So what can you do at 3:00 a.m. when your eyes are as glowing red as those of Belphegor (The Demon of Ingenious Discovery and Wealth), and you just want to bake some cookies DAMN IT! And you are missing chocolate chips, or flour, or baking soda, something you can't replace. It is a catastrophe. I would pay good money to have chocolate chips and marshmallow creme available to me at all hours.

(I don't have a picture for this one)

Joke

Why is it a personal who is addicted to booze is an alcoholic, and people who smoke are "drug addicts," but those who can't go an hour without yelling at someone are just normal? I think it should be like Homer on The Simpsons: "I'm addicted to rageahol!" Because they all really need to chill out.


In short: as I found on Google (attribution not somewhere I know, but will modify on Author's request if I ever figure out who he/she is).

So I came up with a  brilliant invention. It is a sandwich of two cookie instead of pieces of bread. Inside there cookies goes not jelly, nor peanut butter, nor even bacon, but instead RAW COOKIE DOUGH! I have a modest example here (bear in mind I ate three of these in rapid succession.

I can't help but think that was this wasn't a good idea.

An Idea

You know what would be a really useful invention? A pipe that came with a beeping locating device, so if you lost it somewhere in the room, as one inevitably does, just push a button! Better yet, it could play a song from a list of your choosing, like a ring-tone. I have a few modest suggestions for what it could play when lost...

Classic:
The Beatles - Help
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Elton John - Come and Get It
Tom Petty - Mary Jane's Last Dance


80s and 90s:
Poison - Nothing But A Good Time
Guns N' Roses - Paradise City
Motley Crue - Dr. Feelgood
Kiss - Speedin' Back to My Baby
Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know
Greenday - Don't Leave Me


Contemporary (last 10 years):
Rihanna - S.O.S.
Sheryl Crow - All I Want To Do Is Have Some Fun (Until the Sun Comes Up Over Santa Monica Boulevard) 
Modest Mouse - Float On
Cage The Elephant - Ain't No Rest for the Wicked


Obviously I could go on, but this is enough to get the idea. Wouldn't that be an awesome pipe locating device?

I Haven't Decided Yet

I have yet to decide what I am writing about today. But I will have some stoner humor shortly.

I FOUND IT! I FOUND IT! In about 1990, there was an anti-drug campaign starring every famous cartoon star of the day. Highlights include: The Chipmunks, The Smurfs, Alf, Garfield, The Ninja Turtles,The Muppet Babies, Slimer from the Ghostbusters, and many more! Furthermore, the cartoon itself is so weird that it makes for an awesome high.You have to remember that this was broadcast on every major network, simultaneously, with an introduction with President H.W. Bush, who said everyone should watch it.

At one point, Alvin describes marijuana as "an unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs." But without further spoilers here is the full cartoon:

Dude!

If marijuana was legalized, I would pioneer the "Six-Pack" style. Just go down to the store and get a six-pack takes on a whole new meaning. Instant brand recognition. I could then sell the patent to Phillip Morris for a few million dollars.

(Kind of like this but with blunts):

Politics

I just wanted too point out the potential evolution of the presidential office.

Observe:
Bill Clinton:

 

Observe: Barack Obama 

 

This is a positive. :)

Here, for the record, is the inestimable Ron "The Voice of Sanity: Paul:

Diet

Fuck. Yes.

http://www.cookiediet.com/store/main.aspx?DepartmentId=25

 

If you are curious, this is the "Hunger-Controlling Cookie Diet," one week's supply.

To be more precise, the website describes this a, and I quote: "Dr. Siegal's COOKIE DIET® 1-Month Starter Kit # 4 (Two-Flavor Variety Pack w/ FREE BOOK)" Not sold in stores (Go figure). Each kit includes 4 weekly boxes, and box includes 7 bags of cookies.Now, the idea is you eat the bags of cookies instead of meals. I personally see a huge flaw in this strategy. What if someone, having completed the little bag, is still hungry? I know they're supposed to be appetite suppressants, but you have another 27 days of meals of cookies sitting in front of  you just begging to be eaten then and there. These aren't cheap cookies either. I mean, the cookies have been endorsed on The View, and they are immortalized in a book "Dr. Siegal's Cookie Diet Book: How a Doctor and His Cookie Helped 500,000 People Lose Weight Fast"

 (Insert your own joke here, I'm lazy.)

I know I've seemed somewhat harsh on this idea, but major kudos to Dr. Siegal for his effort to create a world of healthy cookies to replace all other foods. Unfortunately, his efforts, in my opinion, have fallen disastrously short. PLEASE continue the effort to cause this dream to come true, Mr. and Ms. scientist people.

Overused Jokes

OK, OK.  I know it's trite, but I have to do the "You Just Might Be A Stoner (is "Stoner" capitalized or not, I wonder?) This is obviously a takeoff on the Jeff Foxworthy bit. But hopefully, you'll laugh a little at my versions.

If your house contains at least three lava lamps - and no regular lamps...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If your first thought when someone says "I'm baking" is about anything other than bread...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If  you count serving sizes of Oreos by the sleeve, rather than by the cookie...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If you know what movement this man inspired just from the picture:

You Just Might Be A Stoner
(A very annoying, smartass stoner)
[For the curious, this man is the man that inspired Rastafarianism and the Rasta movement in general.]

If you know what the terms "water pipe," "ceramic smoking accessory" and" kush" mean...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If a rolled up paper isn't just for disciplining the dog...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If you have ever ever eaten an entire roll of cookie dough because it seemed like a good idea at the time...
You really need to chill out. Seriously? The whole roll??? Back off a bit, maaaan.

If you have ever gotten into an argument about whether Pink Floyd or Led Zeppelin would win a war if music were the weapon that has ended in acting it out...
You Just Might Be A Stoner
(Author's note: This one isn't a personal story. Really.)

If you think the greatest song ever written is La Bamba...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If you have ever pretended you were in a game of Mario Kart while driving and attempted to fire a turtle shell at another car...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If you think it's perfectly normal to eat a box of cookies for breakfast...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If you have ever played Phase 10 and been unable to keep track of what phase you, or anyone else is on...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

Thanks folks, you've been a beautiful audience tonight. Hope to see you soon!

Muppets

Any list of great people who smoked weed but never admitted it would have to start with Jim Henson. The man who invented The Muppets. ALL of the Muppets. Including the ones on Sesame Street.

If you think I'm crazy, then watch this:

now tell me he didn't get high. Anyone who admits he smoked cannot seriously deny the creative power of weed. I mean no disrespect to Mr. Henson. Quite the opposite. He is exhibit A of why weed is awesome. After reading this, you should light up in tribute to the genius that is Jim Henson.

Maybe one day, I will write a weed Bohemian Rhapsody. But not today.

Questions for the Day

How can you buy "A Stairway To Heaven" anyway? I mean, what would God want money for? Does he have poker debts to Saint Peter or something? It doesn't make sense! Does he need something by barter? What would God want with human stuff anyway?

Why does Wikipedia have such a detailed entry on Ragnarok? Why is Wikipedia's entry on Armageddon (Christian version) a quarter of the size? Do Christians use Wikipedia so infrequently compared to practitioners of Norse religion?

Did you ever hear about the time the government tried to make people use the metric system? In some parts of the country the new signs were literally Shot Down! Wasn't that awesome?

Pondering

When I was little, I really enjoyed watching Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. Mr. Rogers just had this way with kids. I was just pondering, what if he had used his powers for evil? I mean if Mr. Rogers had looked at the camera one morning and said something like... "OK boys and girls, now are you listening? I want you to go into mommies handbag, take out the cards and mail them to this address, and when you've done that, come back and sit down and I'll sing you a special song. And I'll be very proud of you." I would most definitely have thought about it. I honestly am not sure who I would side with. I mean it's MR ROGERS!

He was completely in the heads of so many young children,. It's a little scary actually. With that level of charisma in anyone other than a really gentle, loving, caring individual like he was, that person would be sending armies across the globe. If someone normal ever had that level of personal magnetism, we would all be kneeling before Emperor Rogers.

Feelings

Today I feel this:

More thoughts soon (unless I forget)...

Santa Solves Everything (almost)

I don't normally like to get into recommendations on here. However, it is (was) Christmas, and this is just so appropriate. Santa Claus is coming.

So, to prevent this from being a stupid little sell-out post just advertising someone else, I thought I'd ponder: wouldn't Santa Claus make an awesome spokesman for a legalization campaign?  If he were real, I mean. (If you think he doesn't exist because you don't believe in hm, maybe YOU'RE imaginary, and he's stopped believing in you). I'm sure he'd love to help. He has to be a stoner.

Does everyone see where I'm going with this?

That's right, I'd thought I'd draft Santa (as above) and myself  (in the role of elf) some rhymes (with the same beat) with the aim of assisting in the upcoming 2012 legalization campaign in Colorado and California. I predict victory in Colorado. I'm calling it right now. But anyway, without further ado,  HIT THAT SHIT BLITZEN!

Yeah,
You know what day's coming.
November 2nd,
2012,
California and Colorado,

I'm gettin' ready
I heard last time about yo' plan
You tangled with the Feds
But you didn't have the Fat Man

I'm down from here from the 'Pole
to help you
The big day's coming
Last night is here now foo'
Legalize Beeyatch!
No more DEAaatch!
I'm givin' them coal
Like they jacked my sleighaatch

*Unfortunately, I have realized that I just attempted to rhyme Beeyatch with "sleighaatch." Clearly, I am no longer stoned enough to continue. I bit off more than I could chew here obviously. I'm no rapper, and I think I should avoid doing so in the future. To the dude who made the video - awesome job, I don't know how you do it. To everyone else, sorry. I think this little song ends here.

Tongue Twister

Pauly Pothead picked a piece of potent pipe pot
If Pauly Pothead picked a piece of potent pipe pot
Where's the piece of potent pipe pot Pauly Pothead picked