Stems

When stems have little buds still on them, they do interesting things to one's mind. That's my excuse for this classic, at least.

"Chill Stoners"

Well, I've emptied just about every single bag around,
I've gone crazy searching for it all over the town
I've scraped my pipe with an exacto knife,
But now I just can't seem to find a light

But other than that, we ain't nothing, just chill stoners

I'd take a toke of any pot, right about now I'm no snob
Sit here and I am writing about it on my little blog,
Well, I smoked the stems in the bag half to death,
If I find more then it ain't finished yet,

But other than that, we ain't nothing, just chill stoners

Chill stoners we're all the same,
Ain't no way we'll ever change
No harm's caused by what we do,
It keeps us out of trouble too
Other than too many snacks once in a while,
We can't help it, it's just our style,
And chill stoners is all we'll ever be

I got a mouth full of ash from my last toke it's sadly true,
I tried to smoke it and I ended up pulling straight through,
Seems like last time I smoked was June
I want to go buy some sweet tooth

But other than that, we ain't nothing, just chill stoners


Chill stoners we're all the same,
Ain't no way we'll ever change
No harm's caused by what we do,
It keeps us out of trouble too
Other than too many snacks once in a while,
We can't help it, it's just out style,
And chill stoners is all we'll ever be

Chill stoners is all we'll ever be

Things

OK, I have been lame recently.

Here are The Pogues. They are not lame. My interpretation may or may not be lame, but I am tr4:ying dammit!

From: "If I Should Fall from Grace with God" by The Pogues

Well if I got so high on pot,
That I could barely see the weed
If I'm there beside the bong
Please don't just go and leave me

Smoooke the blunt, boys
Smoooke the blunt, boys
Let's go smoke down in the park,
Where we can go watch the sky.

Four-twenty is our time,
It's the nice time for all stoners,
It belongs to all of us,
Not to any of the others,


Smoooke the blunt, boys
Smoooke the blunt, boys
Let's go smoke down in the park,
Where we can go watch the sky.

Smoke weed now with me,
When we all are so happy,
If I pack the bong with pot,
Will you smoke it with me?

Smoking the weeeeeed, boys,
Smoking the weeeeeed, boys,
Let's go smoke down in the park,
Where we can go watch the sky.

Well if I got so high on pot,
That I could barely see the weed
If I'm there beside the bong

Please don't just go and leave me

Smoooke the blunt, boys
Smoooke the blunt, boys
Let's go smoke down in the park,
Where we can go watch the sky.

Yes

I really did just accidentally post a completely blank post.

Priceless

Bag: $60, Pipe - $20, Lighter - $4.99.

A Good High - Priceless. Some things you can't buy. For everything else, there's cash. Cash - because let's face it, no one takes credit cards with pot.

Rant

Nothing interesting to talk about today. Go ahead and skip this entry if you don't like politics. It will bore you.

Today's lecture is... A reason weed was explicitly made illegal - Jazz

While the history of Marijuana Prohibition is a long and sordid tale, I thought a lecture about music would be amusing (weird, huh?) In any case, Marijuana and Jazz have always been pretty much inseparable. Case in point:

A little research shows that most of the best-known Jazz musicians were stoners. They were also black. I'm not going to go into the whole race lecture bit, but what happened was that the idea of "uppity blacks" and "devil music" scared people. Here is a quote fro a newspaper in 1934 about the "menace of Marihuana:"

“Marihuana influences Negroes to look at white people in the eye, step on white men’s shadows and look at a white woman twice.”

So if I understand correctly, one reason pot was banned  was fear of black people stepping on white people's shadows. Am I the only one in the world who is offended by this?



OK that bored everyone, but it's a nice song, right?

Who

Who would win a war between Muppets and cast of famous Dr. Seuss creatures, such as The Cat in the Hat and the Grinch?

Names and Songs

A retrospective on song titles that also happen to include names of marijuana strains:

The Mamas & The Papas: "Blueberries for Breakfast"
Dave Rawlings Machine: "Sweet Tooth"
Wainwright Louden - "Dead Skunk"
 
Finally, my personal favorite
Smashmouth: "Flo"

Oops

Here's a new one for you: Have you ever known someone who forgot his or her finger was on the carb and didn't take it off while inhaling, but just left it there until noticing much later and nearly collapsing from smoke inhalation? Do you wonder if it is even possible?

Well, it is.

Odd Thought

You know who should get to smoke marijuana? Police dogs. Think about it - they find all the drugs, and yet when the pot is confiscated, or even if the cops smoke it, who is left out? That's right! The  police dogs. Think about the poor, sober police dogs who find all the weed and can smoke none next time you get your dog high. If you get your dog high. If you have a dog. If you actually smoke (though I doubt anyone who visits the blog doesn't).

Police dogs? Police dogs? Good Grief.

Belafonte Returns

So as an apology for yesterday's puzzle, here is a parody of a classic Harry Belafonte song. You all know this one; feel free to sing along:

"Now Pack the Bong"

Smoke, smoke, smoke, Aurora, smoke at party time
Smoke, smoke, smoke, Aurora, get baked all the time,
Bake, bake, bake, Aurora, smoke at party time,
Bake, bake, bake, Aurora, get baked all the time.

My girl's name is Aurora,
I tell you friends I adore her,
And when she gets high, oh brother!
She sits down and we play Grass* like no other.

(Now pack the bong, Take a hit, pass it on) Okay, I would like to,
(Now pack the bong, Take a hit, pass it on) Okay, I would like to,
(Now pack the bong, Take a hit, pass it on) Okay, I would like to,
(Now pack the bong, Take a hit, pass it on) Whoa!

Smoke, smoke, smoke, Aurora, smoke at party time
Smoke, smoke, smoke, Aurora, get baked all the time,
Bake, bake, bake, Aurora, smoke at party time,
Bake, bake, bake, Aurora, get baked all the time.


You can talk about munchies,
Brownies or just the cookies,
Aurora's high holds no title,
Just jump in the saddle,
Even though pot's not legal.

(Now pack the bong, Take a hit, pass it on) Okay, I would like to,
(Now pack the bong, Take a hit, pass it on)Rock your bong there, babe!
(Now pack the bong, Take a hit, pass it on) Somebody, pass it!
(Now pack the bong, Take a hit, pass it on) Whoa!

Smoke, smoke, smoke, Aurora, smoke at party time
Smoke, smoke, smoke, Aurora, get baked all the time,
Bake, bake, bake, Aurora, smoke at party time,
Bake, bake, bake, Aurora, get baked all the time.

Aurora, she's a good smoker,
I like to toke with her,
And you guys better watch it ,
When she rolls up the new joint, we go up like a rocket

(Now pack the bong, Take a hit, pass it on) Okay, I would like to,
(Now pack the bong, Take a hit, pass it on) Rock your bong there, babe!
(Now pack the bong, Take a hit, pass it on) Somebody, pass it!
(Now pack the bong, Take a hit, pass it on) Whoa!

Smoke, smoke, smoke, Aurora, smoke at party time
Smoke, smoke, smoke, Aurora, get baked all the time,
Bake, bake, bake, Aurora, smoke at party time,
Bake, bake, bake, Aurora, get baked all the time

Smoke, smoke, smoke, Aurora, smoke at party time
Smoke, smoke, smoke, Aurora, get baked all the time,
Smoke, smoke, smoke, Aurora, get baked all the time.


*For those of you who are unaware, Grass is a weed card game.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My mind was diseased in a fit of purple sign as the purple are blue marks of exclamation eating multiple cookies.

Find the message!!!!!!!!!!!!

...If there is one!!!

Good luck!!!!!!

-Me (!!)

(There is a repeating hint to the answer in the rest of the post)!!

!!!

Awesomest Thing Ever...

...is to always beware of anyone who is high's opinion on what the awesomest thing ever actually is.

(Sorry. It seems really insightful right now. Later I may rue this day).

Fell in Love with a Girl

I got high on this girl,
Was buzzed at once and stoned most completely,
She's all over the world,
But sometimes her names can be so misleading,
Friends turn and say "are you all right?",
I said "I must be fine 'cause I am still smoking",
Mary Jane is part of what she goes by, also Juanita, Cucaracha,* and Yerhia

My head starts to whirl,
Then I rolled for the flavor,
And the bong for packing,
Can't keep away from this girl,
The blunt and my mouth need to have a meeting,
Can't think of anything to do,
My whole brain knows,
That the bag is emptying
I'm out looking for a bag new,
And I've smoked some once before
But it bears repeating

I'm out looking for a bag new,
And I've smoked some once before
But it bears repeating

My whole brain knows,
That the bag is emptying
I'm out looking for a bag new,
And I've smoked some once before
But it bears repeating

I got high on this girl,
Was buzzed at once and stoned most completely,
She's all over the world,
But sometimes her names can be so misleading,
Friends turn and say "are you all right?",
I said "I must be fine 'cause I am still smoking",
Mary Jane is part of what she goes by, also Juanita, Cucaracha,* and Yerhia

Can't think of anything to do,
My whole brain knows,
That the bag is emptying
I'm out looking for a bag new,
And I've smoked some once before
But it bears repeating

* Yes, Cucuracha. The song "La Cucuracha" is actually about a weed-smoking cockroach carrying a roach. Seriously. Oh, the humor.

Wow

In my defense it is hard to write songs when you can have trouble counting past two. Anyway, here is: Cage the Elephant - In One Ear:

They say I don't know how to roll, I ain't got the knack,
I ain't got the skill that I really need to have,
And I'm a phony playing with weed, trying to make the paper go,
My rolling is just so really bad, I've got more weed though

They say I'm just too stoned to know, another overhigh jackass,
Said "I'll roll a joint, but then they all went back to class
Another clumsy pot head who just can't seem to learn to roll,
Oh they love to see me try 'cuz most times it's a good joke

But I smoke one joint, and roll up another,
People talkin' shit, should just pass me the lighter
But I smoke one joint, and then roll another,
People talkin' shit, they can kiss the back of my bong!

Now I know I'm not too great, I've been a stoner all my life,
I ain't trying to hide my flaws, but you should pass over a light
They want to criticize, scrutinize, call me a damn fool
I rolled up a joint and now just sit over there and drool

See the Devil is my pal. I do a lot of drugs,
You all are staring at me like you're really fucking drunk
They thought they knew my thoughts, but I've been practicing,
If they listen to my words they'll be surprised at least.

But I smoke one joint, and roll up another,
People talkin' shit, should just pass me the lighter
But I smoke one joint, and then roll another,
People talkin' shit, they can kiss the back of my bong!

You know what? You know what happened?
You better gather around...because I've brought the good weed
...And we're gonna burn that motherfucker down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(AAAAAAAAAAH!)

So the moral to the story, is... well I don't know, sorry
Pot's good value for the money, and it really is something,
So now I'm high while writing it,, but I've gone and lost the story,
So with one last chorus I will go and touch a blunt up to a flame

But I smoke one joint, and roll up another,
People talkin' shit, should just pass me the lighter
But I smoke one joint, and then roll another,
People talkin' shit, they can kiss the back of my bong!

But I smoke one joint, and roll up another,
People talkin' shit, should just pass me the lighter
But I smoke one joint, and then roll another,
People talkin' shit, they can kiss the back of my bong!

Nyan

I have been watching the Nyan Cat for almost 20 minutes and it is still on.

Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan…

That should be precise. Yes, the Nyan Cat. I could  easily turn this to a pot song (I would call it "high" and the lyrics would be as such). However, that is just too easy, so it's just like, why?

Inventions

These are ideas for goofy product variations. Things that I think would actually make money, but aren't in production. All of these were original, though I found out a minute ago someone else thought of #1 first.

1: An inhaler shaped like Darth Vader. This really should be made. Star Wars nerds + asthma sufferers = a large consumer base. Need I say more?

2. Cyclops glasses. Prescription glasses treatment that would give them a red tint like Cyclops had on his glasses when not in uniform and wearing glasses. Sort of like frosted glass on cars, where you can see out but not in. X-Men, glasses, market base. I know it's Cyclops, but it should still work, right? 

3.  Wolverine-style adamantium cooking tools. No real market here. I just really want some.

Journey to Milkshake

Last night I really needed a milkshake. So I went to Wendy's and missed the order box in the drive thru, so I told them I left my wallet at home (there's no way to pull out of line). Then I was too paranoid to go to the McDonald's across the street in case the Wendy's guy saw me. So I went to another McDonald's drive thru, but the guy directly in front of me was yelling at the order box in, and was so rude the employee refused to serve him, and he wouldn't leave for 5 minutes. Then I finally got a milkshake. Bear in mind my sense of how fast time was going and imagine how long it took in my terms. It was worth it


Yes, I do know not up to my usual standards, but:
Denotssawi

:) See? I actually thought that's funny!

*Sigh*

Please don't take this personally anyone, but I'm generally pretty traditionalist with music. I have little appreciation for what I have told people is "children's music." But then I realized that just means I'm getting old. So I'm going to appeal to a slightly younger crowd today. As such, here is:

Yes. That's right. "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" by Katy Perry. I don't know about this modern stuff but I'm trying, dammit! Here we go:

There's some pot inside my bong,
Now it won't be very long,
I'll be acting like a fool
I'm about to take a pull,
I have packed it really tight
Now I think that I just might,
Go on out and take a drive*
Man I feel so alive
I will be so stoned
That I won't come down,
I'm high
Oh well,
It's a happy time,
And now my mind is saying,
"Bye-bye"

Damn!

I got so high,
I was eating cookie dough,
Dancing 'round to a banjo
Yeah I too too many tokes
I got so high
Now I'm having some strange thoughts
Can a chimpanzee tie knots?
I might have had too much pot

I got so high,
Let's go smoke another blunt,
And pull off some crazy stunts
Hope the cops aren't on the hunt
I got so high,
Yeah I know I broke the law,
But I'm never going to stop-op
Whoa-oh-oah

I'll get so high
Do it all again,

I'll get so high
Do it all again,

Trying not to say "I forgot"
And eating some Dippin' Dots
Think I need some water now,
My whole brain has gone "ka-pow"
With my favorite group of friends,
I escaped a bitter end,
I have had the strangest time,
Oh this crazy life of mine

I will be so stoned
That I won't come down,
I'm high

Oh well,
It's a happy time,
And now my mind is saying,
"Bye-bye"

Damn!

I got so high,
I was eating cookie dough,
Dancing 'round to a banjo
Yeah I too too many tokes
I got so high
Now I'm having some strange thoughts
Can a chimpanzee tie knots?
I might have had too much pot
I got so high,
Let's go smoke another blunt,
And pull off some crazy stunts
Hope the cops aren't on the hunt
I got so high,
Yeah I know I broke the law,
But I'm never going to stop-op
Whoa-oh-oah
I got so high,

I'll get so high
Do it all again,
Do it all again,
I'll get so high

Do it all again,
Do it all again
I'll get so high

I got so high
I got so high
I got so high
I got so high
I got so high
I got so high

I got so high,
I was eating cookie dough,
Dancing 'round to a banjo
Yeah I too too many tokes
I got so high
Now I'm having some strange thoughts
Can a chimpanzee tie knots?
I might have had too much pot
I got so high,
Let's go smoke another blunt,
And pull off some crazy stunts
Hope the cops aren't on the hunt

I got so high,
Yeah I know I broke the law,
But I'm never going to stop-op
Whoa-oh-oah
I got so high,
I'll get so high,
Do it all again.

* The author of this blog does not condone being high while driving.

Menus...

I thought not so much a menu as guidelines in menu form. Like this:

Except not quite. Instead these are different levels of high that each amount of marijuana causes. But there might also be different levels dependent on the strength of said smoke. So here is a Stoner's Bargain Basement Bakery (Motto: "Our Numbers Are So Low That You'll Be So High"!)

Main Reactions; Each Reaction Can Come With Up to Two Sides; Sides Available If Not Otherwise Stated

Calmed Down................................. 1.00 Hit  (No sides available)
Mild Buzz........................................2.00 Hits
Relaxed...........................................2.50 Hits
Stoned.............................................4.00 Hits
Baked..............................................5.00 Hits
Blitzed...........................................8.00 Hits
Burnt...............................................10.00 Hits

Side Reactions; First Rock Out to Jimi Hendrix Free, All Other Sides Extra
Rock Out to Jimi Hendrix................1.25 Hits
Rock Out to Quiet Riot......................3.00 Hits (Not available with Mild Buzz or Relaxed)
Munchies.............................................2.00 Hits
PARA BAILAR A LA BAMBA!.......7.75Hits (Only Available with Blitzed and Burnt)

Thoughts

OK, I clearly can't title a post right now. Anyway, I just thought it was funny that I thought of an idea. I look every bit the straight-laced drone when dressed for business, but When I get home I immediately change into jeans and a shirt, and um... Well anyway (I in no way condone any illegal activity so I'll stop there). I then, regardless of my mental state (which is unquestionably sober, of course) change from a Clark Kent to... Stonerdude!

Look! Up in the air! It's a bird. No, It's a Plane,
No! It's Stonerdude!
Faster eater than a Hungry Hungry Hippo!
More difficult to talk to than a brick wall!
Able to eat lots of Gnutella in a single gulp!

All right, that's all I have for today. Yeah.

Low Hanging Fruit

OK, so this song practically wrote itself. I'm sure you're sitting there thinking "why would the writer create something so derivative and obvious?" To which I reply "Did you see the title of the blog?"  Just be glad I'm semi-coherent.
In any case, I give you the rewritten "Barbara Ann."

Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane
Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane
Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane
I'm not the saaame,

Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane
You got me packin and a-rollin'
Packin' and a rollin' MaryJane;
Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane

Nothing left to hide, there inside in my bag
Saw a dealer near, so I thought I'd get some schwag
of MaryJane
I'm not the saaame,
You got me packin and a-rollin'
Packin' and a rollin' MaryJane;

Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane
Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane
Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane
I'm not the saaame,
MaryJane
You got me packin and a-rollin'
Packin' and a rollin' MaryJane;
Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane

Don't want some crack,
Don't want some smack,
Don't have the knack
So please just cut me some slack
Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane
Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane
Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane
I'm not the saaame,
You got me packin and a-rollin'
Packin' and a rollin' MaryJane;
Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane

Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane
Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane
Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane
I'm not the saaame,
You got me packin and a-rollin'
Packin' and a rollin' MaryJane;
Ma-ma-ma, ma - MaryJane

World Stoner Games

I may be a little late to the party on this one, but the World Stoner Games actually exists. The winner gets to go to the Cannabis Cup all expenses paid. Here is the bong rip round:

And after that, a rousing game... of Simon Says. Again, not kidding. I think I'll watch it rather than embarrass myself trying. I can't keep up with this.


... But I still think it needs a limbo round.

Idea

No song today. I just thought I had an idea: A weed smoking game - Waterfall
Back in high school there were weird games that the sole purpose of was to get guys and girls in situations they couldn't be in acceptably otherwise. An example is the "pass the credit card" game in that movie I saw years ago that I can't remember the name of. So: the idea is to take that concept and apply it to weed, which I have (many years too late, I fear).

So, I hope the concept of "shotgunning" (the idea of breathing smoke to another person. So the person with the best lungs starts off the circle by taking a massive hit and shotguns the smoke into the person next to him/her. He/she then has to shotgun the smoke to the next person in the circle. This continues around the circle until it's no good. Then the person it stopped on takes the hit to start.

Please note, this would only work in small groups of good friends, or extremely patient people who don't mind the idea that the next guy is getting slightly more/less.

I hope I have made myself clear. If not, here is a visual aid:

This:

is a circle. People:

(Those are people) stand in a formation known as a circle (see above).
Next one takes weed and takes a hit, like this:

The smoke:

is passed around the circle in one direction or the other:

 

until it is gone:

Then the process is repeated:

with the last person who did not smoke:

 Any questions?

The Time Has Come

For another song. Operating on the theory of Go Big or Go Home, today's song is Bohemian Rhapsody, by Queen. If you don't know it, use this to follow along:

Here we go...


Is this the good bud?
It that a fantasy?
Caught in a drug bust,
A great escape I would now need.

Open your eyes up being high and see
I'm just a stoner, I want no sympathy,
Because I'm easy baked, easy stoned,
Little high, happy flow.

Any way the smoke blows doesn't really matter to me - to me
Mar'juana, just killed my bag,
Packed it into a glass bong,
smoked the whole bowl now it's gone
Mar'juana I had just begun
But now I'm throwing all away

Mar'juana, oooh oooh
Didn't want to get so high,
If I'm not down this time tomorrow, I'll be screwed, I'll be screwed
Nothing then will matter

Oh no, we've now been caught,
There's shivers down my spine,
Heart is thumping all the time,
Goodbye everybody, I'm thrown in jail.
Gotta leave you all behind and face the judge.
Mar'juana, oooh oooh (anyway the smoke blows) I am just so high,
Me being caught doesn't seem so bad at all.

I see a little jackass of a judge,
Stoner-man, stoner-man, will you now go to jail?
Mandatory testing, very very frightening me.

The evidence? (the evidence?) the evidence? (the evidence?)
The evidence? IT'S ALL BEEN SMOKED!
Magnifico-o-o-o- I'm just too smart and the cops now hate me
(He's just too smart and the cops now hate he)
(He is now spared from a bongstrocity,)

Easy baked, easy stoned, will you let me smoke?
No damn it, no, we will not let you smoke,
(Let him smoke) 
No damn it, we will not let you smoke,
(Let him smoke)
No damn it, we will not let you smoke
(Let me smoke)
Never let you smoke
(Let me smoke)
Never never never let you smoke

no no no no no no no
Oh ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha
Stupid cop must let him go
There's no proof left for them to convict me, -ict me, ict meict meeeeee

So you thought that I wouldn't know all my rights,
So you thought you could get me for only being high

No buddy, can't do this to me buddy,
Just gonna walk out, just gonna walk right out of here.

Nothing really matters, anyone can see,
Nothing really matters, nothing really matters, I'm free


Anyway the smoke blows...
*For those of you unaware, U.S. law does not stipulate being high as a crime, only the act of smoking and associated paraphernalia. The story of my version is a stoned person who finished the whole bag just before being busted, and is set free because there is no evidence with which to convict him

The Man In Black...

... No, not Death. What's wrong with you? Johnny Cash.

I love doing this song parody thing:

"I'm Getting High"

I keep a close eye on this watch of mine,
I keep my Visine ready all the time,
I am committing a victimless crime,
Because I want, I'm getting high.

I am very very happy to be stoned,
I find myself quickly there in the zone,
Yes, I'll admit that I'm watching Flintstones,
Because I want, I'm getting high

As sure as pot is green and quite a sight,
I think that smoking it is always right
The happiness it brings will last all night,
Because I want, I'm getting high

Oh, won't you join me over on this side,
There will still be some of it left to hide,
In this drug war we have now turned the tide
Because I want, I'm getting high

I keep a close eye on this watch of mine,
I keep my Visine ready all the time,
I am committing a victimless crime,
Because I want, I'm getting high.

Toast

Sorry it's been so long. I've been away.

Today, I just wanted today to think about substances that go well on toast while stoned. So let's see...

Nutella:

Any list has to start here. Nutella goes on anything. Chocolate Hazelnut spread. Yum!


Marshmallow Creme:

If you don't want chocolate (what's wrong with you), here is pretty much melted marshmallow. Also good for smores.

Chocolate Honey:

I deliberately made this pic a bit bigger so the label can be read. Yes, it exists. You cannot imagine the joy of putting this on your toast (neither can I but it looks awesome).

Alternatively, should you be out of toast/bread, you can eat any of these on a spoon (not recommended though).

Music

Today, The Ramones fall victim to my attempts at parody.

Hey ho, let's smoke!
Hey ho, let's smoke!
Hey ho, let's smoke!
Hey ho, let's smoke!

They're rolling up the blunt now
They'll all soon be saying wow.
It's what the cops won't allow
They're smoking up.

They're going to hit the bong
It's been oh so very long
One of them might write a song
They're smoking up.

Hey ho, let's smoke
Pack it really tight too
What we have, we will smoke
We're all prepared and ready to toke.

They're rolling up the blunt now
They'll all soon be saying wow.
It's what the cops won't allow
They're smoking up.

They're going to hit the bong
It's been oh so very long
One of them might write a song
They're smoking up.

Hey ho, let's smoke!
Hey ho, let's smoke!
Hey ho, let's smoke!
Hey ho, let's smoke!

It Had to Happen Sometime, I Suppose

The End of the Bag, a haiku by me.

The resin is gone
The bitter taste is fading
Now there is no more

(sad right?)

A Message of Hope, also by me.

It is a dry spell
Still, pot comes up like "weeds" do
Good days will return

(I know, not as good right? It never is right now).

How do you know when someone is stoned?

Someone is stoned when that someone has offered a friend increasing sums of money via text to go to McDonalds and pick up food. That someone is currently up to $30 cash on the spot, and the friend is holding out silently for a better deal. Or hasn't checked his messages yet, and will FEEL VERY SILLY IN THE MORNING!!! You hear that, you're going to laugh and laugh.



That is all.

Names

So I was thinking, what would be some good names for strains? There a few requirements. The name must not already BE a strain (to the best of my knowledge), it must be in some way descriptive, and it must sound (sort of) like a real strain names. Let's see what I have:

• Purple Dragon - An extremely high quality strain, designed to give you a feeling of gently gliding through the air while you breath out smoke
• Shrubbery - A name for highly detested low quality strain that most smokers will think twice about smoking. The weed equivalent of Mad Dog 20 20. Only for the desperate.
• Firework - A tricky kind of weed with a bad creeper element to it. It does very little for the first 10 minutes or so, but then hits hard and lights up your mind.
• Mousetrap - A mid-grade sativa that lures people in with its ability to hit very smoothly, but makes most people so baked they have to sit down.
• Midnight - They said smokers couldn't get blackouts. They were wrong!
• WaterNymph- This strain was discovered after the bigger growers pooled their money for a little R&D. They turned this project over to fantasy novel obsessed scientist nerds, who got to name it. In any case, It's a calmer that helps the mind focus, especially in creative ways. Highly desirable despite its ridiculous name, which many male stoners feel really uncomfortable saying.

That was fun. I may try again  sometime. Enjoy the ideas!

Why So Serious?

First of all, this is not a trend, it's a one off thing. I promise I'm not going to get all political and gloomy on here again.
However, with talk of decriminalization of marijuana in several more states, and full legalization potentially on the horizon in California and Colorado, I feel compelled to mention a few things about medical marijuana. Let's take just one point (or I'd be here all day).

Bipolar Disorder - Some effects of bipolar can include in various combinations at various times: hyperactivity, feelings of invincibility, poor judgment, rapid speech, racing thoughts, aggressive behavior, risky behavior, spending sprees, insomnia, delusions, sadness, hopelessness, anxiety, suicidal behavior, fatigue, inability to concentrate, and rapid mood swings. I could go on, but that's enough to give a general idea.

One medicine commonly used to deal with this disease is Lithium. Here are some of the potential common side effects of Lithium: Involuntary hand tremor (potentially PERMANENT) ; dehydration, nausea, general discomfort, acne, permanent hair loss, excessive weight gain, dry mouth, excessive saliva, tongue pain, discomfort in colder temperatures, brittle fingernails, serious liver, kidney, and/or thyroid damage if dose is too high, and thoughts of suicide.

Here are some of the more serious side effects. Don't worry, your odds of getting some of these is only about 20%:

Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); blurred vision; confusion; diarrhea; drowsiness; fainting; giddiness; inability to control the bladder or bowels; increased or decreased urination; loss of consciousness; loss of coordination; muscle weakness; persistent headache; persistent or severe nausea; ringing in the ears; seizures; slow or irregular heartbeat; slurred speech; swelling of the ankles or wrists; unsteadiness; vision changes; vomiting.

While there are other pharmaceutical drugs available, the list of potential side effects is quite similar.

On the other hand, marijuana, though not perfect, or even necessarily enough on its own, can alleviate many of the symptoms without causing any of that ridiculous list of side effects.

So this was probably really depressing. I will try to write a happy entry later. In the meantime, there is yet another reason to support legalization.

History

So I was thinking, since many stoners get the munchies, what if famous historical people had smoked and gotten the munchies? So here are a few suggestions for some people who are someplace the deceased go:
CAUTION: THIS BLOG ENTRY MAY CAUSE MUNCHIES!




Napoleon: What else but an eclair:

The creme filled pastry with icing, and a traditional French food (no foreign cultural influences for him).

Abraham Lincoln: Kettle-cooked potato chips. Just invented 10 years previously by an angry chef, they were a new dish of the time, and Lincoln loved new inventions:









Franklin Roosevelt: I would have said Hitler but that's just too "tasteless" (get it, haha) for my blog:
Krispy Kreme doughnuts: This chain had started up just in 1937, during the Depression. Roosevelt had money though, so no problem for him to buy a dozen doughnuts. Tragically, he died a year before the invention of Nutella  I'm not going to torture anyone with a doughnut pic, though.

One more for you today. What about Genghis Khan, who at one point had an empire controlling a quarter of the world and still today be genetically related to half the kids in Mongolia? What would he eat for munchies?

Anything he wants.

Invention

The Invention for the Day is: the edible pipe. Genius! It could come in a package that could let you unwrap, smoke, and then eat the pipe after.
(Kind of like edible underwear, but yet somehow not).

Humor (of a sort)

Why did the giant cookie eat the stoner?
Preemptive Strike.

Good news: The stoner had a bunch of cookies,
Bad news: They were really cold,
Good news: He had a microwave to heat them up
Bad News: The microwave had some ketchup in places,
Good News: He didn't put the cookies on the ketchup,
Bad News: He confused the microwave with the garbage disposal and lost aaaaaaaaall the cookies.
(Tragic)

Which is better?
Pot brownies when sober or regular brownies when high?
(Think about it)

If a stoner walks into a fast food place at midnight and orders 400 chicken nuggets with the money to pay, does the staff have to actually do it? Or is there some sort of policy about that? What about 1200? I mean that's only a few hundred dollars, if I was rich it'd be worth it.

Chess

I'm going to go to an online chess game place and try to beat sober people at chess. I will let you know the results of my experiment below. I always wanted to do that someone in person.

Well, I lost one to a computer, but I couldn't find any free online player to player sites. So no conclusive evidence, I would absolutely LOVE to challenge a sober person to a  game of chess and then beat them badly. It would be awesome.

Solution

For anyone who was wondering, the sentence reads "If you can read this, you are not smoking enough pot." By "doubles" you take every second word and remove it :) So words like youtube and elves were just distractions! Not bad for a baked guy, huh?

Doubles

The title is all the hint anyone should need to know:

If kitten you dance can pig read purples this crystals, you beagle are youtube not elves smoking prunes enough mousetrap pot.

Maybe I'll even post a solution later for those who fail. :)

John Lennon

I have a new song. If by some odd chance you don't know who The Beatles are, take a look at this:

 

 That's right, today we shall "Light the Weed"

When I find myself in tons of sadness, 

Mary Jane, she comes to me, 

Speaking words of wisdom,

Light the weed

And in my time of packing,

She is always here in front of me,

Whisper words of wisdom

Light the weed

Light the weed (x4)

Whisper words of wisdom,

Light the weed

And when the stoners share their their pot together at 4:20

They will be so happy,

Light the weed.

For soon we may be parted,

In the future we shall again all meet

This will be the answer,

Light the weed.

Light the weed (x4)

That will be the answer

Light the weed

And now we are all so high,

there is still a light so we can see

Smoke until tomorrow

Light the weed

I wake up to the sound of a bong,

Mary Jane she comes to me,

There will be no sorrow

Light the weed

Light the weed (x4)

There will be no sorrow

Light the weed

Light the weed (x4)

Whisper words of wisdom,

Light the weed

Thoughts for the Day

"Weed doesn't lead to other drugs, it leads to Doritos."- George Carlin (I think, but I can't find attribution).
So here are some of my own things weed leads to.

Weed leads to...
Tranquility
Inner Peace
Fun
Amusement (at the simple things in life)
Mario Kart

"Welcome to Mario Kart" -Mario (This time I'm sure).

Cual es la fruta la mas comica?
La Naranjajaja!

Bet you didn't know I know some Spanish, did you?

Today on the BBC News website, a respected and usually fairly proper, network i saw the phrase "You can only poke the bear so many times before he kills you." Pithy.

OK, I need to go eat cake now. Happy Days!

Animals

Approximate size of an African Male Elephant: 24,000 pounds.
Average weight of an U.S. Male: 189.8 pounds

If that human is majorly high after a quarter (at most) or about 7.1 grams for anyone using metric.
how much weed would the elephant have to smoke to achieve the same level of highness as the human.

Answer: Trick question! Elephants EAT their weed. Ever seen an elephant holding a joint? I can't find one, and I looked on Google! How would an elephant hold a joint?

If anyone is at all interested in the math (disclaimer, I don't vouch for the correctness of my math right now), if all other factors are held constant, 31.6 oz, or 895.5 grams.
That's a lot of brownies.

Foods You Should Be Able to Have Delivered

#1.  McDonalds should deliver. $15 or $20 minimum order. Tip the delivery guy. I mean, it's more food for the price of pizzas.

Haven't you ever wanted a bunch of food like this, for you and three or four friends?








#2. Cupcakes. I know, it sounds weird, but cupcakes are GREAT at 2 a.m. But a pastry store that did 24-hour delivery in some areas (big college towns) would be a huge moneymaker. AND really awesome!

One cupcake, Two cupcake,
Three cupcake, four.
Once there were six,
Now there are no more.





#3. Crabs. Now this one is a personal thought. I'm not 100% sure on this one. It seems like eating crabs well into the night and talking high would be fun.

Yummy at any hour!







#4 Baking Supplies. Now if you ever want to bake your own treats of any sort when baked yourself, you need flour, sugar, yadda yadda yadda. So what can you do at 3:00 a.m. when your eyes are as glowing red as those of Belphegor (The Demon of Ingenious Discovery and Wealth), and you just want to bake some cookies DAMN IT! And you are missing chocolate chips, or flour, or baking soda, something you can't replace. It is a catastrophe. I would pay good money to have chocolate chips and marshmallow creme available to me at all hours.

(I don't have a picture for this one)

Joke

Why is it a personal who is addicted to booze is an alcoholic, and people who smoke are "drug addicts," but those who can't go an hour without yelling at someone are just normal? I think it should be like Homer on The Simpsons: "I'm addicted to rageahol!" Because they all really need to chill out.


In short: as I found on Google (attribution not somewhere I know, but will modify on Author's request if I ever figure out who he/she is).

So I came up with a  brilliant invention. It is a sandwich of two cookie instead of pieces of bread. Inside there cookies goes not jelly, nor peanut butter, nor even bacon, but instead RAW COOKIE DOUGH! I have a modest example here (bear in mind I ate three of these in rapid succession.

I can't help but think that was this wasn't a good idea.

An Idea

You know what would be a really useful invention? A pipe that came with a beeping locating device, so if you lost it somewhere in the room, as one inevitably does, just push a button! Better yet, it could play a song from a list of your choosing, like a ring-tone. I have a few modest suggestions for what it could play when lost...

Classic:
The Beatles - Help
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Elton John - Come and Get It
Tom Petty - Mary Jane's Last Dance


80s and 90s:
Poison - Nothing But A Good Time
Guns N' Roses - Paradise City
Motley Crue - Dr. Feelgood
Kiss - Speedin' Back to My Baby
Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know
Greenday - Don't Leave Me


Contemporary (last 10 years):
Rihanna - S.O.S.
Sheryl Crow - All I Want To Do Is Have Some Fun (Until the Sun Comes Up Over Santa Monica Boulevard) 
Modest Mouse - Float On
Cage The Elephant - Ain't No Rest for the Wicked


Obviously I could go on, but this is enough to get the idea. Wouldn't that be an awesome pipe locating device?

I Haven't Decided Yet

I have yet to decide what I am writing about today. But I will have some stoner humor shortly.

I FOUND IT! I FOUND IT! In about 1990, there was an anti-drug campaign starring every famous cartoon star of the day. Highlights include: The Chipmunks, The Smurfs, Alf, Garfield, The Ninja Turtles,The Muppet Babies, Slimer from the Ghostbusters, and many more! Furthermore, the cartoon itself is so weird that it makes for an awesome high.You have to remember that this was broadcast on every major network, simultaneously, with an introduction with President H.W. Bush, who said everyone should watch it.

At one point, Alvin describes marijuana as "an unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs." But without further spoilers here is the full cartoon:

Dude!

If marijuana was legalized, I would pioneer the "Six-Pack" style. Just go down to the store and get a six-pack takes on a whole new meaning. Instant brand recognition. I could then sell the patent to Phillip Morris for a few million dollars.

(Kind of like this but with blunts):

Politics

I just wanted too point out the potential evolution of the presidential office.

Observe:
Bill Clinton:

 

Observe: Barack Obama 

 

This is a positive. :)

Here, for the record, is the inestimable Ron "The Voice of Sanity: Paul:

Diet

Fuck. Yes.

http://www.cookiediet.com/store/main.aspx?DepartmentId=25

 

If you are curious, this is the "Hunger-Controlling Cookie Diet," one week's supply.

To be more precise, the website describes this a, and I quote: "Dr. Siegal's COOKIE DIET® 1-Month Starter Kit # 4 (Two-Flavor Variety Pack w/ FREE BOOK)" Not sold in stores (Go figure). Each kit includes 4 weekly boxes, and box includes 7 bags of cookies.Now, the idea is you eat the bags of cookies instead of meals. I personally see a huge flaw in this strategy. What if someone, having completed the little bag, is still hungry? I know they're supposed to be appetite suppressants, but you have another 27 days of meals of cookies sitting in front of  you just begging to be eaten then and there. These aren't cheap cookies either. I mean, the cookies have been endorsed on The View, and they are immortalized in a book "Dr. Siegal's Cookie Diet Book: How a Doctor and His Cookie Helped 500,000 People Lose Weight Fast"

 (Insert your own joke here, I'm lazy.)

I know I've seemed somewhat harsh on this idea, but major kudos to Dr. Siegal for his effort to create a world of healthy cookies to replace all other foods. Unfortunately, his efforts, in my opinion, have fallen disastrously short. PLEASE continue the effort to cause this dream to come true, Mr. and Ms. scientist people.

Overused Jokes

OK, OK.  I know it's trite, but I have to do the "You Just Might Be A Stoner (is "Stoner" capitalized or not, I wonder?) This is obviously a takeoff on the Jeff Foxworthy bit. But hopefully, you'll laugh a little at my versions.

If your house contains at least three lava lamps - and no regular lamps...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If your first thought when someone says "I'm baking" is about anything other than bread...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If  you count serving sizes of Oreos by the sleeve, rather than by the cookie...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If you know what movement this man inspired just from the picture:

You Just Might Be A Stoner
(A very annoying, smartass stoner)
[For the curious, this man is the man that inspired Rastafarianism and the Rasta movement in general.]

If you know what the terms "water pipe," "ceramic smoking accessory" and" kush" mean...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If a rolled up paper isn't just for disciplining the dog...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If you have ever ever eaten an entire roll of cookie dough because it seemed like a good idea at the time...
You really need to chill out. Seriously? The whole roll??? Back off a bit, maaaan.

If you have ever gotten into an argument about whether Pink Floyd or Led Zeppelin would win a war if music were the weapon that has ended in acting it out...
You Just Might Be A Stoner
(Author's note: This one isn't a personal story. Really.)

If you think the greatest song ever written is La Bamba...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If you have ever pretended you were in a game of Mario Kart while driving and attempted to fire a turtle shell at another car...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If you think it's perfectly normal to eat a box of cookies for breakfast...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

If you have ever played Phase 10 and been unable to keep track of what phase you, or anyone else is on...
You Just Might Be A Stoner

Thanks folks, you've been a beautiful audience tonight. Hope to see you soon!

Muppets

Any list of great people who smoked weed but never admitted it would have to start with Jim Henson. The man who invented The Muppets. ALL of the Muppets. Including the ones on Sesame Street.

If you think I'm crazy, then watch this:

now tell me he didn't get high. Anyone who admits he smoked cannot seriously deny the creative power of weed. I mean no disrespect to Mr. Henson. Quite the opposite. He is exhibit A of why weed is awesome. After reading this, you should light up in tribute to the genius that is Jim Henson.

Maybe one day, I will write a weed Bohemian Rhapsody. But not today.

Questions for the Day

How can you buy "A Stairway To Heaven" anyway? I mean, what would God want money for? Does he have poker debts to Saint Peter or something? It doesn't make sense! Does he need something by barter? What would God want with human stuff anyway?

Why does Wikipedia have such a detailed entry on Ragnarok? Why is Wikipedia's entry on Armageddon (Christian version) a quarter of the size? Do Christians use Wikipedia so infrequently compared to practitioners of Norse religion?

Did you ever hear about the time the government tried to make people use the metric system? In some parts of the country the new signs were literally Shot Down! Wasn't that awesome?

Pondering

When I was little, I really enjoyed watching Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. Mr. Rogers just had this way with kids. I was just pondering, what if he had used his powers for evil? I mean if Mr. Rogers had looked at the camera one morning and said something like... "OK boys and girls, now are you listening? I want you to go into mommies handbag, take out the cards and mail them to this address, and when you've done that, come back and sit down and I'll sing you a special song. And I'll be very proud of you." I would most definitely have thought about it. I honestly am not sure who I would side with. I mean it's MR ROGERS!

He was completely in the heads of so many young children,. It's a little scary actually. With that level of charisma in anyone other than a really gentle, loving, caring individual like he was, that person would be sending armies across the globe. If someone normal ever had that level of personal magnetism, we would all be kneeling before Emperor Rogers.

Feelings

Today I feel this:

More thoughts soon (unless I forget)...

Santa Solves Everything (almost)

I don't normally like to get into recommendations on here. However, it is (was) Christmas, and this is just so appropriate. Santa Claus is coming.

So, to prevent this from being a stupid little sell-out post just advertising someone else, I thought I'd ponder: wouldn't Santa Claus make an awesome spokesman for a legalization campaign?  If he were real, I mean. (If you think he doesn't exist because you don't believe in hm, maybe YOU'RE imaginary, and he's stopped believing in you). I'm sure he'd love to help. He has to be a stoner.

Does everyone see where I'm going with this?

That's right, I'd thought I'd draft Santa (as above) and myself  (in the role of elf) some rhymes (with the same beat) with the aim of assisting in the upcoming 2012 legalization campaign in Colorado and California. I predict victory in Colorado. I'm calling it right now. But anyway, without further ado,  HIT THAT SHIT BLITZEN!

Yeah,
You know what day's coming.
November 2nd,
2012,
California and Colorado,

I'm gettin' ready
I heard last time about yo' plan
You tangled with the Feds
But you didn't have the Fat Man

I'm down from here from the 'Pole
to help you
The big day's coming
Last night is here now foo'
Legalize Beeyatch!
No more DEAaatch!
I'm givin' them coal
Like they jacked my sleighaatch

*Unfortunately, I have realized that I just attempted to rhyme Beeyatch with "sleighaatch." Clearly, I am no longer stoned enough to continue. I bit off more than I could chew here obviously. I'm no rapper, and I think I should avoid doing so in the future. To the dude who made the video - awesome job, I don't know how you do it. To everyone else, sorry. I think this little song ends here.

Tongue Twister

Pauly Pothead picked a piece of potent pipe pot
If Pauly Pothead picked a piece of potent pipe pot
Where's the piece of potent pipe pot Pauly Pothead picked